4 Ways To Break Free From Bad Patterns
“There are far, far better things ahead, than any we leave behind.” CS Lewis
To get to those better things, to have freedom, peace, and an incredible future, we have to let go of things. The things we hold onto from the past, poison our future.
A key to letting go is getting to the root of the issue. Simply put, if you don’t know what you’re holding onto, you can’t let it go.
Learn 4 steps to help you let go and find more peace and freedom this year:
- Step #1: Four words when said aloud, can change your perspective [5:20]
- Step #2: The root of what keeps you stuck [13:12]
- Step #3: Learning to be better, instead of bitter[18:28]
- Step #4: Knowing how to find blessing, regardless of the circumstance [21:44]
Again, this is just a glimpse into what we do with coaching and Next-Level Life, but hopefully this helps you today to let go.
Learn more about finding more peace, and a stronger life here: ChrisLoCurto.com/NextLevelLife
Chris LoCurto: “There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind.” How we get to those better things, a better future, that is coming up next.
Welcome to the Chris LoCurto show where we discuss leadership and life and discover that business is what you do, not who you are.
Welcome to the show folks. We are about to start a new year and I hope you had a phenomenal Christmas season. Now is an awesome time for reflection. As we’re closing out a year and beginning another, we get bombarded with New Year’s messaging, new products to buy…There’s so much noise, but a great opportunity for growth. Today we’re talking about how to have an incredible future by letting go of the past.
One of the most difficult things we do in life is let go. For most of us, letting go of hurt, of feeling offended or wronged. Letting go of anger, pride, or our past is one of the most difficult processes. Holding onto resentment is like drinking poison and hoping it will kill someone else. For you leaders listening over half of the leaders and business owners I coach have connected the issues in their business, with something that happened growing up or in their relationship with their parents.
Did you hear what I’m saying right there? So many business leaders, so many business owners have discovered issues inside of their business are directly linked to things that have happened growing up, to things that have happened by people who trained them, to things that have happened that they’ve chosen to live a specific life or, you know, take direction a specific way or become controlling or victims or whatever, and so it holds them back. It keeps them stuck in a place.
So our goal today is to move forward. What can we let go of so you can move forward. Now, today’s episode is brought to you by next level life. Next level life is our two day personal discovery experience. It’s a one on one personalized event where we guide you through a process to help you discover your root system, to get unstuck in life, and to discover what’s holding you back from freedom and peace.
Imagine this, what if you could wake up every morning with a clear purpose? What would it look like to have healthier relationships with less conflict? Where would you be in a few months, a year, five years, if you had clarity, purpose, and peace? Probably a big difference from where you stand today.
Now I know it’s possible because I’ve been where you are asking myself, “is there more?” There is and there is a better way and it starts with next level life. You can go to ChrisLoCurto.com/discover to take the next step. Now, if you’re struggling with discontentment, regret or not feeling good enough, which most of you are, if you’re filled with anxiety or your relationships are lacking, don’t keep going through the same motions every single day. Learn how to move past the things robbing you of peace. Go to chrislocurto.com/discover and take the next step.
Now back onto something that C.S. Lewis said. There are far, far better things ahead than any we leave behind. To get to those better things, to have freedom, peace, an incredible future, we have to let go of things. The things we hold onto from the past, poison our future. Let me say that again. The things we hold onto from the past that are the negatives that are the junk, poison our future, so we’ve got to get to the root.
A key to letting go is getting to the root of the issue. Simply put, if you don’t know what you’re holding onto, you can’t let it go. Well, no duh, Chris, of course. That makes sense. No, you’re missing what I’m saying. If that’s what you’re thinking. If you’re thinking the no, Duh, you’re missing what I’m saying. So many times we have stuff that’s so buried.
We have what we call the root system, and if you’ve not listened to that podcast, go back and listen to it. So much stuff is buried in what we call the root system. It’s stuff that we’ve been trained on its deposits from family members, from teachers, from siblings, stuff that we don’t understand. Now not stuff to make you a victim, not stuff for you to not take responsibility.
Stuff that you don’t understand, why it exists, how it exists, what to do about it, and because of that we make decisions based on not knowing what to do with it. This is why we do two full days and next level life discovering all of these deposits in your root system, and again, if you don’t know what I’m talking about when I say root system, listen to our episode titled Understanding Your Root System and we’ll put a link into the show notes.
Now, obviously I can’t go through two days worth in a podcast, but here’s some of the things you can do right now to help you let go. The first thing is to understand: hurt people, hurt people. A lot of people come into our offices. Almost every single week we’ve got folks that are coming in that are doing next level life and as they walk through the doors into our event space, which is where we do breakfast and we do all our meals and all that kind of fun stuff.
They walk under a sign that says hurt people hurt people. You have to understand that people by their very nature, don’t just enjoy hurting others. Instead if someone is causing another person pain and it seems even remotely intentional, it’s because there is something deep inside that’s causing them to hurt, do you get that?
If you’re hurting, many times when somebody is hurting, we lash out. We attack, we control, we manipulate. We Take Jabs or throw barbs at somebody else because we’re the ones that are hurting. The next time someone says something hurtful, disrespectful, or rude, stop and tell yourself, “hurt people, hurt people” understand it’s probably less to do with you and more to do with their pain that they haven’t let go of.
The problem is is that we receive it and it becomes pain for us, right? So you have to ask yourself the question, “is what they’re saying to hurt me?” If so, is it because they’re hurting? Now, if that’s you, recognize that. If people tell you that you’re a jerk or notice that people often respond to you poorly, you might be reacting from deep hurt.
Notice if you’re getting hurt often or hurting others, you have to get to that root, know that it’s coming from somewhere deeper, so if you’re feeling the need to protect yourself by lashing out, if you’re feeling the need to protect yourself by throwing barbs, if you’re experiencing the desire to hurt somebody in the moment because you feel hurt, then we got to solve what you’re struggling with and that’s getting rid of that internal hurt.
So how does that play out in your life? So let’s take a look at somebody who’s doing something or saying something that hurts you. So if somebody says something hurtful, the first thing that I always try to do, and believe me guys, this is, this is what I do for a living
. Some people come with no pain, not really experiencing bad stuff and come through next level life and have a phenomenal event and learn how to do you know how to have a better life. Some folks come in in a lot of pain, some folks come in and hurting, and so who’s the person that they’re going to take some of that out on? Well, it tends to be me, a lot of times it tends to be Joel, you know, if we’re in an event and so one of the first things I always have to do…it’s expected.
We let people know you’re, you’re probably gonna say somethings you’re probably going to experience some things that, you know, as we work through it, that until we get to the solution it can be painful and sometimes they will say something and I have to go, okay, is what they’re saying actually true?
So as somebody says something that’s maybe hurtful to you, instead of doing the same thing we always do, which is bowing up and, and you know, fighting back and having to protect ourselves and having to have a response and having to throw back just as painful of a comment or even more painful, stop, ask yourself the question “is what they just said truth?” Is what they just said about me or to me, is it actually truth? If it’s truth, then perhaps they might be trying to help you in a situation.
You know, if you’re doing something very rude, you know, if you’re being rude to people and somebody comes along and says, “Hey, I’m experiencing you as being rude.” If you receive that and you’re hurt and you want to make them the villain, well, you need to start by asking the question, did I do something that was rude?
Did I do something that was not acceptable or not appropriate? Because if the answer is yes, then listen, you gotta suck it up and take responsibility. Yes, I did something stupid. I should not have done that. I did something that was rude or maybe I was being a jerk. So start by looking at is what they’re saying actual truth. Now, for all of you out there who have been run over by people, by doing stuff like this, let me say to you many times you allow somebody to set your reality.
I’m going to get to that in just a second. That’s not what I’m talking about. So what happens when somebody says something? If it’s truth, take responsibility. You know what you are correct. I did do that. Don’t become a victim. Don’t get hurt, don’t be offended unless they say it in a rude way to you. Don’t be offended.
Take responsibility. “You know what that you are correct. That is exactly what I did. I am so sorry. I’m going to go solve this.” If what they said is not truth, then instead of doing what we normally do, which is let me return the favor and hurt you back, let me throw a barb about. Let me you know, throw a punch out.
Here’s a gut punch for you. Instead of doing that, try and figure out why this person is saying that so many times in events, somebody is hurting and if they throw a barb out to me or attack me or they attack somebody else instead of going, “That’s not right.
You shouldn’t say that. That’s hurtful.” None of that stuff matters, that doesn’t do anything. Instead, what I’ll do is if it’s not accurate, I’ll say, “hey, what are you trying to accomplish right now?” In a nice gentle, loving way, not in a being a jerk way. “What is it that you’re looking for? What are you experiencing right now?
What are you feeling right now?” And usually what you’ll find is that when somebody who feels like they’re being treated with dignity has the opportunity to stop and think about what they’re emotionally experiencing they can recognize that what they’re doing is wrong. So two pieces of this, if you’re the one that somebody is hurling a painful thing at, stop, recognize, ask the question, is it me?
If it’s not, how can I help this person in the moment? If you’re the person hurling the painful comment, then you’ve got to stop and ask yourself, why am I wanting to hurt somebody right now?
What am I experiencing? What am I going through? What you may discover is you are struggling and you’re wanting somebody else to feel exactly what you’re struggling with or feel the same pain that you are experiencing…that’s not actually going to help you. Making somebody else hurt doesn’t actually make your pain go away.
It just makes your focus be on them hurting instead of focusing on you, right? So that’s where you have to stop and say, “What am I struggling with right now? What am I dealing with right now?” That’s one of the tools that we help people to use as they leave a Next-Level Life is to have something to say in this moment, “What am I dealing with? What am I experiencing? Where’s this coming from? What’s the lie that I’m telling in my head?” If you can do those things, then you can stop yourself from hurting others.
If you can do those things, you can let go of a lot of the hurt that you’re experiencing. Because what you may discover is the very thing that you’re still holding onto is unnecessary. It’s not actually something you need to keep beating yourself up with or telling yourself a lie about and it may allow you to actually look into possibly the past, wherever this hurt came from and discover that it actually wasn’t really intended to hurt you.
It was somebody else who was hurting, so that’s the first thing. Hurt people hurt people. Second thing I want you to focus on is you are, listen to me here, you are good enough. You are good enough. Almost every single person on this planet struggles with some form of not feeling good enough. The crazy thing is most of them don’t even realize it.
There are so many influences in your life that help you to feel like you can’t achieve enough, succeed enough, be pretty enough, and ultimately be good enough. If there is a single person in your life trying to convince you that you are not good enough, stop listening to that person. Stop receiving that. Never again allow somebody to treat you as though you are not good enough.
Now, that is not the same as somebody if you’re doing something really stupid and somebody’s reaching into your life saying, “hey, listen, you’re about to drive off a cliff.” That’s not the same thing, right? What we’re talking about is people who are constantly trying to help you feel trying to set your reality that you’re not good enough, that what you did is not good enough, that what you said is not good enough, that your love isn’t good enough, that your wisdom is not good enough, that your looks are not good enough.
If you’re getting that outside influence, cut it off, cut it off. That’s one of the things that we look at in the root system is to say there are certain roots you can just cut it off, right? To keep that bad influence out. Now, here’s the other big piece of this. There is a really good chance you’re that person.
There’s a really good chance you’re the one who’s telling you that you’re not good enough. If it’s you. You got to fix this. You’ve got to stop this. If it’s you, you have to take a look at the lies you’re telling yourself. Folks, just take a look at social media right now. What is the greater purpose of social media right now? Like for businesses, we businesses, we use it to try and draw people into things that we can help them with, but what are most people using it for?
They’re using it as an approval process to say, am I good enough to you? Am I pretty enough for you? Am I handsome enough for you? Is the family picture I took good enough for you? Even though we took 30 of them before we could get one that was worthy of posting on social media.
All of that process is to say, do you think I’m good enough? Folks, if you’re seeking another human being to tell you that you’re good enough, you’re wasting your time because they can’t actually make you good enough. Stop believing the lies that you can prove yourself to somebody. Well, if I just do the best job better than anybody else, then they’ll think I’m the best. Okay.
Let’s say they do. How long does that last? Five minutes maybe. Then what? Then you got to do it again. Well, if I’m pretty enough in this picture and I get 40 likes or 400 likes, then I must be really pretty well then what?
What happens when you’re not posting that picture? How are you going to be good enough when you’re not getting 400 responses? What happens next time when you only get 300? Well I must not be good enough. If you’re believing these lies, if you don’t know what I’m talking about or know that your lies exist, then listen to the episode, the lies that we believe, we’ll put the link in the show notes as well.
If you don’t realize that you’re lying to yourself, then you have to stop and focus on what am I saying to myself when I want to get somebody’s approval? What am I saying to myself when I believe that I’m not good enough? There is a lie that I am telling myself. It doesn’t matter what a human being thinks, what matters is what God thinks. And you are good enough for him to come down and take on the world’s worst beating and death so that you can have eternity with him.
So don’t focus on what another human being things. Focus on what your God thinks. Now I will tell you this. God loves you exactly where you are. He just doesn’t want to keep you there, so it doesn’t mean that since you are good enough for him to die for you to have eternity, it doesn’t mean that you’re living the exact life that he wants you to. Focus on him and how he sees you, not how human beings do so.
Know that you’re already good enough. Let go of that crap that lie, let go of that and focus on his promises. Focus on being obedient to him. Focus on following him. Spend way more time reading his word than scrolling through facebook and what you’ll discover is your worth will stop coming from social media and it will start coming from God. Next thing, are you bitter or are you better?
One day I was talking with a friend of mine, Mike Hardwick, when he shared with me a life rule that his father, who was our pastor, pastor Hardwick, used to share with him and his brother Steve. He would share with the boys about a situation that somebody went through, right? So he’s training his kids, very biblical.
This is what you’re supposed to do, and then he would ask them “boys,” I could still hear his voice. “Boys. Did that person get better or get bitter?” That lesson has helped two great men who have gone through a lot to be better in spite of everything. It’s your choice which way you end up. The next time you find yourself holding onto resentment or frustration, ask yourself the question, am I going to be better or am I going to be bitter? Right? If something has happened to you, has it caused you to be stronger in life, has it caused you to grow?
If God is bringing discipline in your life, which the Bible says, do not ask for it to be over quickly. You know, don’t stop. Don’t, don’t be mad at that. Don’t try and shut that down. Instead, receive it. If I’m doing something and he’s growing me, it’s a loving father who was trying to get you to a better place.
Right? And so if you’re going through something or experiencing something in life, if somebody’s trying to hurt you or somebody is trying to control and manipulate or somebody has done something to you, what did you do with it? Have you ingested that cyanide pill hoping that somebody else is going to feel the effects? If you’re holding onto resentment like that, if you’re holding onto bitterness like that, then that’s exactly what you’re doing. You’re causing yourself stress. You’re causing yourself to be unhealthy. Focus on getting better from the situation.
I have tons of situations in my life where people have intentionally hurt me. There are tons of situations in my life where I have intentionally hurt others, right in this crazy concept of protecting ourselves, but here’s what I’ve chosen to do is to take those situations and ask myself, how can I get better and let go of this? How can I forgive?
One of the things that I do and in my prayers every day is the Lord’s prayer. Lord, forgive me as I forgive others. Well, it doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to ask him to forgive me, but I can’t do it to his kids that have hurt me? I’ve hurt God a lot, a lot daily. I would be shocked to get to heaven and find out there was a day I didn’t sin because I don’t think it exists. I don’t think it exists for anybody on this planet except for Jesus.
Right? So I’ve heard him a ton. How can I ask him to forgive me and yet I can’t do the same. Not only do you need to just for God purposes, but you need to for your health. If you want to have a better life, you have got to let go of resentment. It’s not helping you. It’s actually hurting you. It’s not making you better. It’s actually making you bitter.
Everything, everything, everything. Everything happens for a reason. Every single thing that happens today has already crossed God’s desk. God is not growing with us and learning things as we go about what’s going on. Nothing is happening today that he’s going, oh, I didn’t see that coming. How do we know that?
Because he says so before the foundations of the earth were laid, the lamb was slain. He knew the beginning before the end, before he created this rock and the billions of galaxies that he did in Pico seconds before he did that, he already knew what was going to happen.
He’s not surprised. He’s never been surprised. He’s not surprised about what’s going on in your life right now. He’s not shocked. He didn’t wake up today and go, oh my gosh, what happened to this one? Oh my gosh, I’m surprised that, uh, my daughter Jenny over here, I don’t know, Jenny, if you’re listening, if there is a Jenny listening, you know, or my son Thomas, for all you Thomas’, whatever your name is, he’s not waking up and going, Oh crud, I’m surprised that this happened to that person. He knows exactly where you are.
Years ago I was struggling one night I was crying out to God and I’m like, Lord, I’ve dedicated my life to helping your kids. When do I get a break? I’m looking back on my life and experiences and things where stuff just keeps rolling in and being crappy situations. And as I’m crying out to God and I really hadn’t done this, I think before that time, I think I just, I’ve always known I don’t question God, I don’t question what he’s doing.
I know what he’s doing is right. But this was one of those moments that my question to God was, when does that stop? And I felt like God responded to me in that moment saying, I’ve allowed you to go through what you have because I knew you would be strong enough to take it. And I knew that you would use it to bless my kids.
Stopped me dead in my tracks. It blew me away. I still didn’t understand it in the moment, but what I could understand in the moment was that he already knew that I would be strong enough to take the hits. Wow. How cool is that to understand that God looks down at you and goes, you got this? Yeah, it’s gonna hurt. It’s gonna suck, but you’re strong enough. You can make this. And then he said, I knew you would use it to bless my children.
At that moment. I figured, well, that’s what I’ve been doing. I had no clue that it also meant what was coming in the future and from that point on, let me tell you the flood gates opened. It has been an amazing, amazing process in my life of being blessed by God to help you to help his kids.
It doesn’t mean that tough times stopped right then and there. As a matter of fact, there have been greater episodes in my life that I’ve been able to learn from. There’ve been greater situations that have caused me to drive closer to him and learn and grow so that I could help me so that I could help you.
It was a bittersweet and comforting moment when I heard that back then. But the funny thing is he didn’t say that the hard times were over and the great thing is, is because of learning that he has shown me how to turn things that are happening in my life into a quick process of go towards him and then how do I use this to help other people?
How do I get to other folks and help them to see it’s okay what you’re going through it maybe terribly painful. It may be terribly difficult, you know you might think that there is no end in sight, but here’s what I can promise you.
You have a god who’s not surprised and who wants you to turn to him so he can take it from you so he can help you through this process. If you are a bible reader at all and you take a look at all the way through God bringing the children out of Israel, bringing them to the promised land and getting them into the promised land over and over and over again. The very first time when I got saved and I could actually understand the Bible, I tried to read the Bible so many times before that and it just didn’t make sense.
When I finally did actually receive salvation, then I could read the Bible. It made sense so many times in those early days. I remember my mid twenties that I would read this stuff and go, what is wrong with your kids? God, look at how many times they reject you only to hear God say you do the same thing just in a different way.
Oh my gosh, I do. Guys grow in that. Learn that you do the same stuff, learned that you have a god who is saying, if you will just come to me with your stuff. Bring your junk to me, rely on me. Call me to be the one who solves this for you. If you will just go to him. You will be amazed at how much He’ll take care of it, so if you feel bad things happen for no reason at all, then you can spend a lifetime not growing.
Take every bad situation and seek to find the blessing. No matter how difficult it is to do. Now, if you can let these four things sink into your brain and believe them, then it will make a night and day difference in your life. Changing how you think and what you believe is how you will start to see different outcomes. I don’t care where you are. It doesn’t matter. These four things will help you to get better.
It will help you to break free from bad patterns because there’s going to be a time that one of these is going to come up. If you’re the person who’s struggling with all of this stuff right now, wherever you are in between, you know right now, well, Chris, I don’t feel like there’s anything right now. Well, it’s. It’s coming around the corner or the person who is heavily deep into this junk right now.
Understand that if you will do these four things, it will break you from the bad patterns. It will help you to free yourself up, to focus on better things, to focus on the only one who can change it all for you, right? So you will see less conflict and pain in your relationships. You will have better communication and incredible productivity at work. When you can get over all of the junk that you’re holding onto.
Remember the four things that we talked about: hurt people, hurt people, you are good enough, are you getting better or are you getting bitter, and everything happens for a reason. Again, this is just a glimpse into what we do with next level life, but hopefully this helps you today to let go. Folks, after doing over 250 next level life events and coaching for decades, I can tell you that I have seen the power of letting go.
I know this will change your life, so we’ve created a download so you can keep these 4 ways to let go in front of you at your desk, in your car, on your mirror so you can start letting go and getting to those far, far better things that are in your future. So get the download at chrislocurto.com/306.
As always, we hope this has helped you today and folks, if it’s not you who’s struggling with these, I dare say you probably know about a half a dozen people or more that are help them to get this information. Download this for them, get this episode to them. As always, take this information, change your leadership, Change Your Business, change your life, and join us on the next episode.